The Proposal

First of all, MERRY CHRISTMAS (Happy Holidays) everyone and Happy Birthday, Jesus!

So, I kinda knew it was coming... you guys knew that. (;

When I called and told Gran, she said, "Well, dear, I can't say I'm surprised, but that's wonderful."

We were all sitting around the living room - Rod, me, my mom, dad, Sharon, Dan, Daniel and Ray (all of whom have known about it since Thanksgiving weekend, when I did - obviously - come back to Virginia Beach with Roddy and have been doing fine). We opened all of our presents, but apparently there was one left in the bedroom for me.

Roddy brought out a gift bag with a bunch of Lindt chocolate truffles in it... my favorites... and the kind that we fed each other the first night we spent together. There was a whole ton of tissue paper in it, and it took me what felt like an hour to unwrap all of it. There were SO many chocolates, and then in the very center of all the tissue paper was...

...the most beautiful ring I could ever hope for. He came around the corner of the bookcase, got on his knee, and said, "So, I was thinkin'........will you marry me?"

I pretty much screamed, "Yessss!" and jumped on him, hugging him. My dad took a zillion pictures. It was amazing, and so nice to have so many of the people I love there. For those who weren't, we love you and will look forward to seeing you at the wedding! Which, by the way, won't be for a little while. But I'll let you know when we figure all that out. (:

Have you wondered...

Ever wonder why I am living with my parents right now - now that I am far past the horrible stage of my anxiety disorder? Wonder why I can't keep a job long enough to make sufficient income for myself before giving up, slacking off or quitting? Wonder why I still need my parents when I'm far away for a long time? Wonder why I am having such a hard time getting on my feet?

Me too.

I have come to realize that sure, I have made mistakes and I have been lazy, but what it all comes down to is that I haven't really broken away from my childhood yet.

I want to be back in Virginia Beach. I don't want to be there permanently, that's for sure. I 'belong' up north, in New England where there are distinct seasons, cold weather even though I HATE it (it's more of a love-hate relationship), and I can see my family more often, especially when I want to have a family of my own. However, I should be able to handle another year and a half there if it means being able to be with Rod while he gets his foot in the door with his Law Enforcement career, help take care of him and see friends and continue to work at the whole independent, real-world thing.

At the same time, I want to just be here, be comfortable and know that things will work out with Roddy and my relationship no matter how far apart we are. Sure, yeah it will be difficult being far apart so much for so long, blah blah, but those of you who can remotely understand our relationship and how much we love each other and have seen how we went through the eight month deployment last year, yeah, you know we can do it... anything. (:

It's just not fair how confusing life is. I know I have it so good and I am so happy, but that doesn't mean I don't get discouraged every now and then. It doesn't mean things aren't complicated and I don't have to make sacrifices, learn lessons and deal with stuff. Obviously.

I need to start thinking of ways to make a decision once and for all. Will I be staying here in Connecticut and taking care of family and waiting for Roddy to come back, or will I force myself to be in a place I don't want to be in so that I can take care of the man I love most in this world who really needs me?

Disappointment

Rod wasn't able to make it up for the weekend. There was a horrible storm there on Friday afternoon and his flight was canceled. I feel bad, but I was so upset that I had him running all over the airport trying to get another flight. He was going to fly out the next morning, but we decided just to wait until Thanksgiving weekend. That gives me more time, we were going to come back here for Thanksgiving anyway, and I really don't think I was ready to go back with him yet regardless. But I was more bummed than anything that I wouldn't be able to see him. I miss him so badly, and I hate that he's missing me and going through all of this while also starting a new career. I love and appreciate him even more for making it through this with me, though.

Smart-A Answers

#6
It was mealtime during a flight. "What would you like for dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in the front. "What are my choices?" John asked. "Yes or no," she replied.

#5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

#4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough to fit her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No, ma'am, they're dead."

#3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well, I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

#2
A truck driver was driving along the freeway. A sign came up that read, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knew it, the bridge was right in front of him and he got stuck under it. Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car came up. The cop got out of his car and walked to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver said, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

#1
The college teacher reminded her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a serious personal injury or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-a guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class was reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Things I should remember

Journey to the Heart by Melanie Beattie

"You don't have to do anything about your feelings. Understand that. Believe that. They are only feelings. Emotional energy is important. It is important not to block it, stop it, deny it, or repress it. It's important to discharge it, to value it, but you don't have to do anything. You don't have to act on every feeling. You don't need to control every emotion or let your emotions control you. Doing something is the old way, the way of control. Simply feel whatever you need to feel. Become fully and completely conscious of what you feel. Take responsibility for the way you choose to express your feelings, then let your feelings go. Release your emotional energy.

The answer isn't in your head, it's in your heart. It's not outside you, although sometimes we receive guidance from others. The answer you're seeking, the guidance you're looking for needs to feel right to you. It needs to resignate with your heart. Your heart is the center, the balance point for your emotions, your intellect, and your soul. Your heart is safe.

Your security doesn't come from trusting others. Your security comes from trusting and cherishing your own heart. Don't let life shut you down. Open your heart as often as you need.

Once you accept yourself unconditionally, you'll be surprised at how comfortable you begin to feel, no matter where you are. We may have tricked ourselves into thinking our security came from outside ourselves; that we needed certain other people or places, needed certain objects or items around us, or had to live our lives in a particular way to feel secure. But relying on things and people outside ourselves provides a false sense of security. False security will be shown for what it is. There's a real security, a true safety available to us all, no matter who we are, where we are or what we're doing. That security comes from accepting ourselves. That security comes from trusting ourselves, trusting our hearts, our wisdom, our connection to the divine and to the universe around us. Once we accept ourselves unconditionally, no matter where we are, it will feel like home.

God vs. Science

I read this bulletin Kaley posted and it really interested me. I don't necessarily know what I believe 100%, but I've begun to want to believe SOMETHING... I think it helps people get through life mentally and spiritually... and below is a really interesting argument. I didn't realize that evolution is not a completely proven concept until I read this and then asked my dad (who has a Bachelor of Science degree in Biology and a Master's degree in Environmental Science), it's simply a very well-organized theory with serious but not complete evidence. I do believe it, but at the same time, I want to believe in more spiritual things to set me at ease with all these feelings that I have to control myself and my life... if that makes any sense. I think it's time for me to start going to church again since I haven't been in years. Anyone know of a good one, or have any advice on where/how I should start off? I want one that isn't too demanding in their beliefs, and that is comfortable and interesting. Let me know! xo

A science professor begins his school year with a lecture to the students, "Let me explain the problem science has with religion." The atheist professor of philosophy pauses before his class and then asks one of his new students to stand.

"You're a Christian, aren't you, son?"

"Yes, sir," the student says.

"So you believe in God?"

"Absolutely."

"Is God good?"

"Sure! God's good."

"Is God all-powerful? Can God do anything?"

"Yes."

"Are you good or evil?"

"The Bible says I'm evil."

The professor grins knowingly. "Aha! The Bible!" He considers for a moment. "Here's one for you. Let's say there's a sick person over here and you can cure him. You can do it. Would you help him? Would you try?"

"Yes sir, I would."

"So you're good...!"

"I wouldn't say that."

"But why not say that? You'd help a sick and maimed if you could. Most of us would if we could. But God doesn't."

The student does not answer, so the professor continues. "He doesn't, does he? My brother was a Christian who died of cancer, even though he prayed to Jesus to heal him. How is this Jesus good? Hmm? Can you answer that one?"

The student remains silent.

"No, you can't, can you?" the professor says. He takes a sip of water from a glass on his desk to give the student time to relax.

"Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?"

"Er...yes," the student says.

"Is Satan good?"

The student doesn't hesitate on this one. "No."

"Then where does Satan come from?"

The student falters. "From God."

"That's right. God made Satan, didn't he? Tell me, son. Is there evil in this world?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Evil's everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything, correct?"

"Yes."

"So who created evil?" the professor continued. "If God created everything, then God created evil, since evil exists, and according to the principle that our works define who we are, then God is evil."

Again, the student has no answer. "Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things, do they exist in the world?"

The student squirms on his feet. "Yes."

"So who created them?"

The student does not answer again, so the professor repeats his question. "Who created them?" There is still no answer. Suddenly the lecturer breaks away to pace in front of the classroom. The class is mesmerized. "Tell me," he continues to another student. "Do you believe in Jesus Christ, son?"

The student's voice betrays him and cracks. "Yes, professor, I do."

The old man stops pacing. "Science says you have five senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Have you seen Jesus?"

"No, sir. I've never seen him."

"Then tell us if you've never heard your Jesus?"

"No, sir, I have not."

"Have you ever felt your Jesus, tasted your Jesus or smelled your Jesus? Have you ever had any sensory perception of Jesus Christ, or God for that matter?"

"No, sir, I'm afraid I haven't."

"Yet you still believe in him?"

"Yes."

"According to the rules of empirical, testable, demonstratable protocol, science says your God doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?"

"Nothing," the student replies. "I only have my faith."

"Yes, faith," the professor repeats. "And that is the problem science has with God. There is no evidence, only faith."

The student stands quietly for a moment, before asking a question of his own. "Professor, is there such a thing as heat?"

"Yes," the professor replies. "There's heat."

"And is there such a thing as cold?"

"Yes, son, there's cold too."

"No, sir, there isn't."

The professor turns to face the student, obviously interested. The room suddenly becomes very quiet. The student begins to explain. "You can have lots of heat, even more heat, super-heat, mega-heat, unlimited heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat, but we don't have anything called 'cold.' We can hit up to 458 degrees below zero, which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold; otherwise we would be able to go colder than the lowest -458 degrees.

Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-458 degrees Fahrenheit) is the total absense of heat. You see, sir, cold is only a word we used to describe the absense of heat. We cannot measure cold. Heat we can measure in thermal units because heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absense of it."

Silence across the room. A pen drops somewhere in the classroom, sounding like a hammer.

"What about darkness, professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?"

"Yes," the professor replies without hesitation. "What is night if it isn't darkness?"

"You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is not something; it is the absense of something. You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light, but if you have no light constantly you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? That's the meaning we use to define the word.

In reality, darkness isn't. If it were, you would be able to make darness darker, wouldn't you?"

The professor begins to smile at the student in front of him. This will be a good semester. "So what point are you making, young man?"

"Professor, my point is, your philosophical premise is flawed to start with, and so your conclusion must also be flawed."

The professor's face cannot hide his surprise this time. "Flawed? Can you explain how?"

"You are working on the premise of duality," the student explains. "You argue that there is life and then there's death; a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought."

"It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one. To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of the life, just the absense of it.

Now tell me, professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?"

"If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, young man, yes, of course I do."

"Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?"

The professor begins to shake his head, still smiling, as he realizes where the argument is going. A very good semester, indeed.

"Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you now not a scientist, but a preacher?"

The class is in uproar. The student remains silent until the commotion has subsided.

"To continue the point you were making earlier to the other student, let me give you an example of what I mean."

The student looks around the room. "Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the professor's brain?" The class breaks out into laughter.

"Is there anyone here who has ever heard the professor's brain, felt the professor's brain, touched or smelled the professor's brain? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstratable protocol, science says that you have no brain, with all due respect, sir.

So if science says you have no brain, how can we trust your lectures, sir?"

Now the room is silent. The professor just stares at the student, his face unreadable.

Finally, after what seems an eternity, the old man answers. "I guess you'll have to take them on faith."

"Now, you accept that there is faith, and, in fact, faith exists with life," the student continues. "Now, sir, is there such a thing as evil?"

Now uncertain, the professor responds, "Of course, there is. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist, sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absense of God. It is just like the darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absense of God. God did not create evil. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

So excited!!

Rod's coming up to Conn. to visit on Friday! He's flying in after school and staying for two nights and then flying back down south on Sunday, unless I decide to go back with him at that point, in which case he'll cancel his flight Sunday and he, Koko (who came with me) and I will drive back together in the Subie. I'm so excited to see him... I haven't seen him in a week, and by that time it will be two weeks, and I can't wait! We'll want to spend lots of quality alone time together, but if anyone wants to see him/us, let me know and we'll try to schedule something if we have time... otherwise, there's always Thanksgiving and the winter holidays coming up! (: