Ever wonder why I am living with my parents right now - now that I am far past the horrible stage of my anxiety disorder? Wonder why I can't keep a job long enough to make sufficient income for myself before giving up, slacking off or quitting? Wonder why I still need my parents when I'm far away for a long time? Wonder why I am having such a hard time getting on my feet?
Me too.
I have come to realize that sure, I have made mistakes and I have been lazy, but what it all comes down to is that I haven't really broken away from my childhood yet.
I want to be back in Virginia Beach. I don't want to be there permanently, that's for sure. I 'belong' up north, in New England where there are distinct seasons, cold weather even though I HATE it (it's more of a love-hate relationship), and I can see my family more often, especially when I want to have a family of my own. However, I should be able to handle another year and a half there if it means being able to be with Rod while he gets his foot in the door with his Law Enforcement career, help take care of him and see friends and continue to work at the whole independent, real-world thing.
At the same time, I want to just be here, be comfortable and know that things will work out with Roddy and my relationship no matter how far apart we are. Sure, yeah it will be difficult being far apart so much for so long, blah blah, but those of you who can remotely understand our relationship and how much we love each other and have seen how we went through the eight month deployment last year, yeah, you know we can do it... anything. (:
It's just not fair how confusing life is. I know I have it so good and I am so happy, but that doesn't mean I don't get discouraged every now and then. It doesn't mean things aren't complicated and I don't have to make sacrifices, learn lessons and deal with stuff. Obviously.
I need to start thinking of ways to make a decision once and for all. Will I be staying here in Connecticut and taking care of family and waiting for Roddy to come back, or will I force myself to be in a place I don't want to be in so that I can take care of the man I love most in this world who really needs me?
