Today marks the day we agreed to "officially" start trying to expand our family. I don't think I'm quite ready. It's hard to believe I'm typing these words...
Am I ready to be a mom? Heck yeah! I've been ready since I was ten years old, it feels like. Am I ready physically? Nope. I'm still very much overweight, and Rod keeps telling me this doesn't matter because obese women give birth all the time and everything's fine. But it's not fine. It creates risks for both mother and baby, and I want to be healthy so I grow a healthy baby and can deliver him or her safely and as easily as possible.
Not only that, but my reproductive system still isn't working. I've been on these new drugs for a couple months now - the Provera and Metformin. The Provera I took the first 10 days of December and had a period, and then had another period in January without taking the Provera (you're only supposed to take it every 3 months to bring on a period). I was excited at first thinking, maybe the one cycle of Provera did it - maybe it jump-started my cycles back to normal! But alas, I haven't gotten a period since. I keep forgetting to take the Metformin. It's not like the Zoloft where if I don't take it, within 6-12 hours later I have a terrible, "dizzy" headache. I can't tell a difference whether I take the Metformin or not. It's supposed to help with insulin resistance, which is probably from my obesity and causes the offset of my menstrual cycles.
I have a few more months before I go back to the OB/GYN. I'm going to exercise and diet until then (I hope), try to get on a better schedule with the Metformin and if I don't ovulate between now and my appointment, I will talk to her about other options (Clomid, probably) and probably get an SA for Rod just to be sure there's no problem there.
To be honest, I want to adopt. This is not to say that I don't want to have biological children, too. I would love to grow a person inside me and experience pregnancy, and bring something into the world that is genetically the love of my life and me combined. But it's not as important to me as just having a family and raising a child, and there are so many children that are in need around the world already. Why not bring one of them into our family? Unfortunately, Rod doesn't share this same desire. Although he agrees to adopt in the future, he wants to try biologically first.
His main reason for the order of biological first, adoption second? He's afraid of being a bad dad. He's afraid he won't do it right, and that with a biological child, he feels more comfortable with the chance of messing it up than with a child that we adopted. He has a hard time explaining it better than that. I try to reassure him that I married him because I know he's going to be a great dad. I see it in him. He's a different person than his dad. He's not going to disappear, he's going to be a big part of his childrens' lives, forever, no matter what. We have a different family, and he is a mature, responsible and loving man. But I suppose what he's feeling is normal.
With Clomid, if I am remembering correctly, you can only take it for 6 months, no longer. After that, it's either more serious interventions or letting God and patience control whether we ever get pregnant, and begin expanding our family with adoption. We are both happy with this scenario and waiting until that step presents itself to make the decision.
Rod hates that I think ahead like this and seem pessimistic. But I know my body and I know nothing is happening, and it's been two and a half years since we stopped 'preventing'. In other words, we haven't been trying, but if I was working correctly, I would most likely have gotten pregnant already. I also know from others I am close to who have been through infertility, so I am familiar with how the process typically works. So, I like to think that I am prepared.
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